This was a posting I had originally slated for last week. However, I thought the better of it and decided to take my time composing this.
I owe you an explanation – for my self imposed exile both in real life and here on my blog. (No, no, Lecram… we don’t need no stinkin excuses!) First, I want to thank all of you. You have all been kind and patient with me and I want you to know that I truly appreciate this.
It was only in November and December when the full impact of Mum’s passing hit me. The delayed reaction was due to the fact that until that point I was in “efficiency mode”. Even though I was only 12 at the time a similar thing had happened with Dad’s passing. So, I knew it was coming… the only question was when.
For those 2 months I was close to catatonic… barely functional. It’s something you never really know is happening while you are in it. This fact played out with several attempts at starts – to “get on with it”… but more stops occurred than I wanted (or was used to) which inevitably eroded my confidence. My realization now is that no start could happen without a fuller “reset”… and that could not occur without traversing through the full passage of mourning.
I still went about my daily business but as little as possible was achieved… and what was achieved was undertaken in a haze at best. It was at this time that a communication “blackout” came into effect. Blog postings and visits along with phone calls, emails, socializing, etc… became more sparse and erratic. Life for me had come to a standstill.
Added to that my resources were fast depleting. The loan I had taken out on the house 3 years before so I could stay home and take care of Mum ran out the week she passed. After that there were little streams of income from here and there but not nearly enough to sustain everything.
By the time January rolled along I came out of mourning and dove straight into panic mode. “Go” was not an option. How was the mortgage and bills going to be paid? Even though I had by that time rented rooms out to Joy and started a fledgling catering business I was still short. One morning I woke and realized that the house was my inheritance. I seriously considered selling it… even in this crappy market. Even though I technically owned it… it was always Mum’s house.
Then, slowly but surely I began to realize what was happening. For at least 15 years I had been living parallel lives. One brought in a stream of income so Mum could have comfort and a home and the other fed on my need to create. At times the former was a challenge to say the least but somehow we got by. One was predicated on the other. It was a balancing act that I danced for quite a while but one that I will never regret.
So, I have been trying to get use to the idea that now… it is all about me. (Though certain friends and loved ones may contend that it was about me all along.) I am still trying to grapple with this notion… and act accordingly.
Here I am in a new day and attempting a new way both in perception and action. After a long lull mired in grief and stagnant desperation I am moving on and activating forward motion again. I am still up to my eyeballs in debt but paying that down seems less of an ominous task. (OK, I may still be delusional… but attitude is everything, isn’t it?)
To you my friends and family… I apologize for the communication blackout. I know that a few of you thought I was being a bastard about things and I don’t blame you. Some of you had an inkling of what was happening (not with any help from me) and continued to reach out… for that I am eternally grateful.
So this week I am counting and thanking all of you for your gift of understanding, generosity and patience with me. That “reset” which seemed so elusive a few months ago is in motion. I am not fooling myself into believing there will not be challenges ahead… but I am capable once again of practicing the art of the possible once more… and that makes a world of difference.
Cheers!