And not the syncopated “down on the one” kind. Truth be told I’ve been in a righteous funk for the last 6 months or so. The last time I was in one of these pits of festering despair was about 10 years ago. And I’m not talking about the periodic “one or two days I’m in one and the next day I’m not” variety. We all get those. That’s part of life.
I’m talking here about the ‘super extendo nothing matters anymore‘ variety that keeps any kind of personal movement to a minimum by falling back on to “the less I do the better it is for everyone… including me” modus operandi. And more than that, it is the kind where it is not just that nothing mattered anymore… but even my very own existence became superfluous at best. Not exactly the best place to be. And it is not the kind that attracts company either… and the dwindle in that area has not slipped past my keen observation… not that keen was a criteria in noticing it.
I suppose the easiest most succinct explanation is… I’ve fallen out of love with life… mine specifically. My life was by no means an easy or glamorous one but it was one I relished… warts and all. But that went out the window… seemingly in the blink of an eye one day. This also explains (and not justifies) why I have not been blogging either.
I could point to the current political climate or the relentless bombardment of negative news or… I could go on, but that would be unfair. There have been occasional showers of the positive variety as well. Mind you, the flip side doesn’t help… but for the most part, the external elements have been pretty much in balance. And placing blame on anything that I have no control of is just not something I have subscribed to. I’ve always been a bit of a stoic that way.
This comes from within… deep within. The tank that runs my engine feels like a clanking void. As such, any kind of creative endeavor is moot… simply because there seems to be nothing to pull from. So, in practical terms, this becomes a conundrum. Not just for any creative flights of fancy but it also affects landing much (or any for that matter) projects of the bread and butter variety. Potential clients can detect the growing rot from within. And I’m dragging on the few client projects I do have… and it feels like swimming in an ocean of molasses.
This is not sustainable… both personally or professionally. So, about a month ago I began the process of slowly clawing myself out of this morass. It is going to be a haul… but bit by bit I think I will get to a better place. The next goal after that will be a journey to a place where I want to be. But one step at a time, eh?
And not to sound ungrateful or ungracious but I’m not lobbying for pity or strokes. So, please spare me those if you’re reading this here or on social media. I even debated and agonized if I should even share this post… but here you have it as part of my own attempt at healing. I would actually prefer if you go out and do a practical kindness for someone. The perpetuation of that kind of energy will do all of us much more good collectively. On my end, it is getting better… I’ll come out of this… somehow.
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